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December 18, 2005
united we sit
i got a letter from President Hilario Faulkner this morning, and it got me to thinking. he said:
Dear Supporter:Since 9/11 we have been working tirelessly to protect the American Way. The way that is so important to all of us, that we have received from our forefathers. I want you to know that I am very proud of my actions on your behalf, particularly as follows:
• we have finally dispensed with the nuisance of habeus corpus.
• we have eliminated the troublesome nit-picking legal restrictions on torture.
• we have streamlined the Bill of Rights from 10 to 4, and we're working hard on those last four.
• we have fought those who believe in senseless killing by killing thousands of people who look like them.
• we are eliminating the bigotry of religious intolerance in foreign countries all over the globe, one radical Islamicist at a time. these people are haters and we will not sleep while one of them lives.
• lying, cheating, and secret prisons are a small price to pay for truth, justice, and freedom; my administration is founded on the principle that there is no price too high to pay to protect our precious freedoms, in fact -- and it brings tears to my eyes to think of it -- we may have to soon acknowledge that we will have to pay with our freedom itself in order to protect it from those who would take our way of life from us.
• in order to protect our citizens from danger, it might be necessary for a government agent to take the life of someone you know, perhaps even a loved one. you can rest assured that they will have died from an american bullet, fired from an american gun, in the well-trained hand of an american law enforcement officer, and not from the filthy bloodstained fingers of a foreign hate-mongering murderous terrorist.Our critics try to smear us by saying that we have become the very thing we oppose, but this can hardly be further from the truth. We are much stronger then our enemies; our resources are vaster, and while our enemies depend on the fervent support of a small minority of their population, we are able to sustain our efforts because of the absolute disinterest of our population -- people just like you -- tuning it out day after day.
Your support in this manner since 9/11 has emasculated the opposition party, and we celebrate this every sunday with a dinner of exquisitely prepared donkey orchis.
I mean, can you imagine, we're having a debate about the acceptable uses of torture! That is funny, isn't it? It just goes to show you how far we have really come since 9/11. You understand of course, that the government tolerates everything except competition.
Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity, not to ask you for money, not to ask you to sign a petition, not to ask you to take a stand that shows your support for us, we're fine with you just doing what you're doing, sitting there with the remote in your hand. Ah, Patriotism. 9/11 dawned a new day in America indeed!
Very Truly Yours,
Hilario Faulkner (Pres.)
(his mark)p.s. the Southland Corp. is wondering if you would be interested in taking a poll as to whether you approve of the re-naming of 7-11's to become 9-11's. It's a sponsorship opportunity for the government, the revenue from the royalties would not be insignificant. Please take a minute to click over there, and show your support before resuming your stupifyingly dull activities whatever they may have been. H.F.
i read the document through three times then checked the zip code and realized that it had been mis-delivered -- it was intended for earthlings, not lunatics. it was a great relief to me.
truth be told, i think it was a practical joke my friend Martin played on me -- and not a very good one either, we know that none of those things could ever happen. ...well, not on the moon at least.
posted by matthew at 09:57 PM
What's really scarey is not just the ones with their hands on the remote, but those that actually say and believe these things!
posted by: Kurt on December 20, 2005 10:48 AM
You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.
posted by: Mahatma Gandhi on December 21, 2005 08:32 AM
Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
posted by: President Bush on December 21, 2005 09:19 AM
Peace, friend.
posted by: Meg on December 21, 2005 02:11 PM
ninja assasins ram the stark mind of a button nosed canary toad into the foam of a teleportation transistor. the sparks are of brilliantly varied colors and the cache of meats and provisions will last a decade or more. our clam, is a small clam, and the retch of bile and formidible wastes has choked our delicate observation glass.
posted by: jeffy 129.44.173.190 on January 23, 2006 02:17 AM